All the Things Made Unsaid

I have been cleaning and cleaning, my house or myself, of the scent of you, maybe letting my mind wander to think of you uninterrupted, I don’t know. It’s the only thing I can do now, to not think of you and think of you.

I couldn’t read, I wasn’t, I didn’t want to, not really, except the words that were yours, is something more deadly, lethal than that.

I kept losing my appetite, more and more, my body was already mourning the loss of you.

Well, I already had hypersomnia, but I lost my REM sleep.

I’ve kept myself running on the fumes, on the heat of these past few days, I will keep, until the muscles start to collapse, until the meat melts from the bones, until the bones turns to dust, until I’ve breathed in all the dust, until the ecosystem gets its deserving share back from my breath, until my Memory scratches itself out, until my brain cells finally succeed in killing each other, until the happiness of my unhappiness turns into ashes in my mouth, until I decay back into the atmosphere, until our molecules continue to find each other, until we meet in nothingness.

Fever dreams, how apt was that and fête of the dead, our wedding. Haha, it’s ironic, how we both knew, everything, and still we continued to kill each other, claw at each other’s necks, until one killed the other. It kept telling me that I cannot, I cannot take it but I said you can, you have, you will, and my heart died on the eve of your avowal. It beat and beat, wildly, more than what it already not too normally does, out of my chest, for the absence of you, I struggled to keep it in, in control, under control, my control haha, and I did, for all it did, it couldn’t wake me up. It would have been better to let you claw out my heart instead of clawing at it myself.

For lack of a better word, I’m going to say love. (that’s how it started but the more I stayed the more I was gone, know anyone too much, and you are)

I cannot, I will not, talk to you but I can love you in my thoughts, in my dreams, in between waking hours, in between moments of life, in between living and dying.

You gave me perspective, you made me be more myself, you made me love myself completely, I don’t feel beautiful everyday, you made me feel beautiful without ever having seen me.

This will crumble too. But, until then, I’ll keep you alive, I will.

I was already on the edge and now I’m falling, falling, skipping rock bottom after rock bottom, thwarting its very nature until the rock bottom falls out.

I told you, you go down, I go down. And if I go down, I’m not taking you with me. I hope so.

I was predicting the future with the present, maybe it was my intuition or you were too predictable. It wasn’t fiction, none of it is, everything is real, all that I write. It was all real, to me at least, in the moment if nothing else, I felt it all, I saw it, as real can be. Ever since I collided with you and into you, all I wrote was for you and yours. This line I had quite, almost, once, said to you. I kept writing it down, I wrote all that I felt, all that I really felt, it was really fantastical at the time, could be fiction. I couldn’t tell you because you don’t mess with Time. And, I am manipulative, you never notice it but it is there, in my genes.

I told you I wanted nothing but everything, then more and then more. I cannot help but give myself up completely, or not give anything at all. I cannot hold back, I cannot hold myself back, I cannot give anything less, when it comes to me, to love, I’m starting to think we’re one and the same thing. Why else am I so wary.

So, now do you know who’s the moth and who’s the flame? Who’s the afflicted and who’s the affliction, please tell me, do you know? Who’s the fire and who’s the water?

It was like I was from the future and you were already dead. I wanted to go into the past, I wanted to live there, I wanted to resurrect you, I did. But for how long, forces greater than ourselves at work.

You, your fiction, your words were like sailing on stolen dreams.

You’re the one to dream with, what I liked best about you.

I was dreaming the idea of you, I was waiting and then you came. You were an idea come to life. You started walking and breathing, talking and WRITING, how could I resist. The prayer I prayed for, the dream I dreamt, it was like one day I prayed, asked for you, may be even before I did, and you were breathed life into.
I had written this, above, long ago, I didn’t fake my feelings, or hide them, I just didn’t feel them, but I knew they were going to happen, and, they did, ironically after I had lost you to reality, into the abyss.

It’s like I absorbed you into myself, you are gone, the me you unreal-er than you, not as kind or more considerate than you, but all my memories of you, all that is left…and maybe hopefully more.

I am poison, how long until it seeped into your bones, I should have told you, but what difference would it have made. I would’ve been the destruction of you, and being your end would have been mine.

So who won? I knew if you played the game we’d both lose. I knew. I knew. And still I did nothing. Everything you said, the fiction/non-fiction you doubted was true, all true.

I can let myself go now, you made that possible, you gave me my love back, you gave me a heart, was it yours?

But you didn’t care for the most important part of me, the best, the one that kept me alive all this time. Your biggest mistake was overlooking what I was, all I was, you didn’t even know what was my redeeming factor. The one that checkmated you, you went down, and I went down with it. My penchant for not being alone in this took me down. And down, down, I went, with you.

So, until the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, until the mountains rise as scattered dust, I’ll wait for you, like you’re waiting for me, may be even after that. Until it destroys me. Until it destroys itself.

You said you wouldn’t want to hurt me, but you were going to. And, I am vengeful, you do it in the future, I know and do it in your present. Your worst mistake was underestimating me, it makes me laugh, how little you knew of me, and you didn’t even ask, hahha.

You were everything and all I dreamed, and more, you just fell short of the most important part, about the only thing I could not move past, just goes to show how wrong, flawed my design was. But, everyone, I’m going to compare to you.

You are killing me and you are keeping me alive.

A posthumous marriage, a fête of the dead, a union of the damned in hell, a purgatory in this world, our love was already taking its last breaths when it was born in between the future and the present. I knew it, you knew.

You reminded me of who I was, what were my priorities, family, love, all the important things, all that I am, all I couldn’t see, and all that I could be.

You said you liked my endings, ironically, after you, I don’t think I’ll be able to end.

I needed you, I needed you to write. That clinched the deal for me.

I wanted to dance with the dead, but for how long….All your words, I took them, made them mine, I was doing it, hidden from you. I didn’t care for whom they were, I didn’t ask, why would I, they felt mine.

You are killing me with your love, I can feel it in the air, the waves pass right through me and a bit stays, do you think I have to talk to you, to see you, to feel it? Do you have to be alive? I can feel it. I can love you, over all the fucking seas separating us. I will.

I know and write, before you do, all that I’m going to say.

I will not stop crying.

You are choking me with your fingers. I have been living long enough, haven’t I?

I loved you before I knew I did.

You took my soul with you. You left my heart. And I was going to give everyone my heart, my body but I was going to get to keep my soul, my mind. They were going to be just mine. I can feel your fingers in my throat.

You made me realize that I could never stop thinking about my children, because there ghosts were always with me, they were going to be mine, just mine, until I found the right person.

You wouldn’t let me live, and you wouldn’t let me die.

That we couldn’t be together in reality, it didn’t matter, we are together, more real-er than reality, more painful than reality, I am in the purgatory, with the decaying remains of you.

You wanted your unrequited love, I wanted my heart broken open. Careful what you wish for. We will be together in my fever dreams and yours, nothing is going to get in the way, not reality, not us, nothing ever. I was yours, I am yours, I will be yours, my soul will, my mind will, follow you, everywhere, anywhere. We are one now. This is more beautiful than Reality.

Your words will be my sustenance, everything else is poison, you are the poison I need. Let’s destroy each other.

Does it matter we never met, that you never saw me, never heard me, I see you everywhere. My heart is dying. You are the death I won’t die of. What if I’m an oath breaker, so be it.

“Does one love breathing?”

Until Time wrenches me away from me, the best, the most beautiful, the most important, the most real thing I have.

I said I was afraid of losing myself in you, it’d be so true a prophecy, I couldn’t imagine.

I could let you go in reality, I cannot let you go in actuality, I cannot miss a part of me, I cannot cut off parts of myself, break and break off parts of Me. And when everything is shredded to pieces, you will remain. I cannot kill myself.

When you went you took me away with you. You didn’t even ask. All that is left is you. Everything is killing me.

Every knock is you, every apparition, every shadow, every shock, every quake is you.

All you had to do is make the lightest tap on my heart, your name, beautiful because of you, and you had me sprawling, on the floor, and I cannot get up, I cannot come back. I am gone, off to nowhere, down past rock bottom, ribs bruised. Where is the girl you loved?

I cannot separate you and me, you speak inside my head, you reside inside my head and if I fight with you I get a headache, I have to stop and think of you to stop you, I cannot think, I cannot see, I cannot hear, I cannot eat, I cannot taste, I cannot breathe, without you.

With you, I was on my best behavior. But, from now on I’ll deserve your love. I’ll be the person you thought me to be, and more. This was why our paths met, to make me a better person.

You see, we were destined to meet and then never go our separate ways really. Because of you so many things didn’t happen, I was bewildered as to what was happening, the whole of my world stood still, all the barriers I built fell down, nothing made sense, nothing we did worked, everyone started saying الله کی مرضی, just for you to come, and give me your words and after I had them I wasn’t settling, for anything, less, else. Even long before you I couldn’t, I wouldn’t love Another. Now, I understand. The Hand of Fate wrote us United, in the particles of the universe, like the galaxies exist in harmony, so do we.

Your words reverberate inside my head, until I listen to them.

What was to be gained by the physical union when we have spiritual cognizance. You can hear me, I can hear you. I can talk to you, you can talk to me, if you want to. What else could I ask for. This is so beautiful. I could kiss you in the moonlight right now.

I used to look at the moon too and try to imagine/associate it with people, never really worked except I had the yearning to, now when I will see it, I’ll think of you, I’ll see you. We have the same hands, you know, pretty identical. You always said we had a weird connection, well, now I feel it, too, what you were talking about, In My Veins.

The hole is gone, the dull throb of pain reminds me that I grieve for you still. But, this time, this is going to heal me, not hurt me.

If I had known you were falling for me, I wouldn’t have expressed myself like that, it’s just that it felt safe with you, I felt safe with you. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I’m not sorry. I’m not, about anything. I wasn’t totally oblivious but it still came as a shock when you started telling me what had really been happening from the get go. You could say the same for me, but I had my misgivings, insecurities, concerns and issues, accompanying me on my every pilgrimage bringing me back. I try to mold my thinking, my want to what is real, what should be, what is right, so I didn’t set my heart free/roaming. I caged it up pretty tight. But now it yours, I guess.

Your myopia would’ve blindsided you, almost did, I didn’t think it, my first answer, was too shocking.

I knew your words were mine, they always felt mine, why didn’t you, why else did you think I couldn’t ever look away.
And, now, all my words are yours. Just like that.

And, you can ask me to become different for you when you can’t be more religious for me. So, I leave all my friends and my family, my cities, my homes, and take on the seas, what do you lose? How little a price you pay.

You don’t understand, I let you go and I let myself go, unknowingly I went ahead and fell in love with you in spite of and despite myself, because I thought there were no strings attached. It’s so beyond my control now. I thought I could handle heartbreak, that I could bounce back from anything, how naïve of me, hahhah, I can handle it, my heart can’t, I cannot handle the grief, it cripples me, and it doesn’t stop, the absence, the loss.

Yeah, that’s the first time I’m really saying my name, your name, to myself even, you have been buried and hidden deep in my heart before this, I love you, I love you, I love you, with all that I am, and all that I am not, I love you like the sky loves the earth, like the horizon loves the sun, like the moon loves the sun, like the heavens love the exalted, like man loves sin, nothing else could persuade me to read you still, and it’s taking all the strength I don’t have in me, all in the world, to not rush into your arms and claim you just mine forever, and beyond, I know there’s just One you, but, given how things are, I cannot, I will not, you have to be strong for me like I am trying to be for you. I’m not sorry.

You shall write, all that you will write, everything that you shall write, you will make it rain and I will soak in it.

I didn’t lie to you, never, about anything.
“Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt Truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love.”

You thought unrequited love was good, everything, I thought too, but this. This. Is. The. End.

I slept, and it was too, constricting, too stopping, it’s like I Dreamed you Were Missing And now I’m So Scared, of the void, of the emptiness of you. My arms throb fighting it, the demons eating my dreams, leaving me empty.

In mourning, for now.

While writing this, I fell in love with you, or maybe I had already, I just didn’t know it, maybe the future caught up to me in its past.

I didn’t know you were this kind, may be I didn’t want to care, may be you are to every woman, yes that is true, and you’re, specially, to me, like I am to you.

Maybe I’d never stop writing this. Could I?

I cannot read books, well, except yours, these days.

I lost a piece of myself, you, and I can’t seem to find it. It has broken off me, it has chipped me, I’m ugly without it.

I had stayed in your fiction for too long, I knew that I should leave, but I knew I wasn’t going to.

That was why I was afraid to love, wouldn’t love, because I cannot not give everything.

I was looking at you, but I saw myself, I kept seeing myself. I didn’t know you, not really,

Until I tried to choke you I didn’t start knowing you.

What I said, stands, taller than ever, stronger than ever, real-er than ever, is truer than ever, who am I without it. I cannot say another farewell to you.

I’m no Sarah or Kinna, just human. Nothing compares to this, what I’m feeling, I never even considered forever like this, really, for anyone, anyone tangible, real.

You want me because you’re unreal, I want you because your sincerity, your essence feels real, more real than anyone that ever was.

At that end, I was so torn I couldn’t get a word out, my throat dried up like the desert, it still is, choking, my hands trembled, my mind got numbed.

I told you you didn’t know, I am too much.

My love doesn’t destroy, only if you unaccept it.

You weren’t sad, I was.

I know I cannot take things for granted, oh do I know.
I want to be more real than real.

You would grow to hate me.

I’m naïve but who cares.

You said you had to end because the poem was killing you, now I know. I wanted it for myself and I thought to myself you don’t have to know, I’d make it mine, I did, stealthily, it’s incompleteness even more incomplete (literally) in my hand in my diary.

Maybe I don’t know still, what I have, what I don’t have, what I feel, what I felt but I cannot keep this to myself. It’s killing me.

Will this ever end, will we forever keep cancelling each other out.

I’m turning obsessive, compulsive, stalking, scared yet?

I know I can, move, on, get past this, but I don’t want to.